Thomas is FIVE!

All the angst I expected to arrive on my 30th birthday sat with me on the couch this morning.  My firstborn turned five today, and I'm stumped and panicky and elated all at once.

Did that go okay? The past five years? Did I just mess that all up?

Do other mothers catch their breath five years in and wonder the same thing?

I could gush all day about how awesome Thomas is. He's caring. He's imaginative.  He's entertaining & smart & would sit and listen to me read all day so he gets a thousand gold coins for that alone.

But what about the other stuff?

What I missed when I was working.  All that time I lost when I wasn't quick to discipline and failed to be consistent.  What I'm doing now in favoring to huddle at home in our own little sanctuary--great though it may be--balance continues to allude us. Hello, humanity. ;)

What about all those times I yelled? Or woke up in tears because I felt I had failed?...because I had failed!  Because no matter how hard I try, failure just happens. It's there.  All my flailing to figure things out year after year and he was there with his big brown eyes waiting for me to catch up to him.

And will I have all the time to teach him how to be a gentleman? How to respect a woman for her whole, complete beautiful self? How to be just like his dad and never, ever suggest his wife's hormones are changing her tune and therefore become a saintsaintsainnnnnnnnt in her eyes?

The time. Oh, the time. I can't replace it.  Will I remember to instill in him habits of hard work and self-discipline amidst the chaos? And will I make time to have him make pasta alongside me? And when are we going to become that family in my mind that does charity work that matters?

And are we going to make it to DISNEY??!!  Are we going to ever run around and RIDE ALL THE RIDES??  Because you're five and that means you're almost 18 and we are going to watch you leave and I'll cry all the tears!!!

Yeah, what about all that.

When I got married I was struck dumb at how every single one of my married friends, when asked about being newly married, sounded like they had jumped on a friggin unicorn and flew over a rainbow to a pot of gold, all hearts in eyes and everything.  And I beat my dang self up so much you can't even know.

I love Paul with my whole heart, but where was our friggin rainbow? Our pony express? Our pot of gold?  Well, if my relationship in marriage is going to be anything like my role as a mom, there are two things I'm going to get straight and keep straight right here, right now.

1.  my kids are not like anyone else's kids. they are unique little guys with their own ideas, dispositions, and needs & I'm going to focus all on that. work with it. respond to it. and love on them with everything I've got.  I'm not going to look to other moms for their traditions, their schedules, or their choices. I'm going to, barring the obvious need for awesome mentors (yes! those are important!) forge my own path & in doing so it's going to be messy and wild and good.  I'm going to show up every day and do my best and pour my love out as enough. my kids are cute and all but they get the grace and free will to fail big too, and when that happens, I'm going to show up just as much and pour out just as much love that day as well.

2. it's a lot of damn work & magic comes and goes when it wants to (mind of it own, it has). I'm here to do the work even when the magic isn't there. but it will show up. it always, always does!

A little spontaneous manifesto right there for you.  And for me, apparently, since it all came tumbling out just now.

But really.  Do you understand all my angst? I really hope so.  Motherhood is hard and we put way too much stock in the results and maybe not enough in humility for our imperfect efforts (which are still very, very good things!)

I think Paul has his head on straight a bit more than me about that though as evidenced by what he texted me earlier.  

He just watched the 3rd Star Wars movie with me (the first time I've seen it).

I laughed for two seconds before remembering one word: teenager 

Gulp.

Well, we have a few years...

And now to celebrate the special boy, a little interview with the lad.  I really wanted these certain answers but, no surprise here, this interview turned out to be just like all of parenthood.  He did his own thang.  And my money is on any of you who have had a 5 year old boy being understanding of some or all of these responses. 

1.  How do you think being 5 will be different than being 4?

"Because I growed so much and I learned so much about not whining, so I’m not going to whine anymore.  And, I’m good. I never go in time out. Ever."

2.  Fill in the blank. Thomas is___________________

“a Lego builder”

3.  My favorite book is ________________

“Gone With the Wind because it is perfect and someone dies…actually, a lot of someones dies.”

4.  My favorite meal that mommy makes is ___________________

“pb & j”

5.   My brothers ___________________

“do not like the way I dance”

6.  I wish people knew that _____________________

“I do not like the way they poop. BUAHHAHAHAHA. PSHHHH. BUAHHHAHAHA.  That is SO FUNNY!”

7.  What would you like to be when you grow up?

“That’s a simple question.  I would like to be a cake seller.”

If selling cakes doesn’t work for you, what would be your second option?

“Being a cookie.”

“A cook?”

“Yeah! A cook!”

8. If you had a hundred dollars, what would you buy?

“I would buy a dog…I want a cute little puppy with a brown scarf on his head.”

And what would you do to take care of this dog?

“I would teach him how to flip over on his heels…

9. My dad 

“likes to watch Star Wars with me. And I like it too.  Good bye statements.  I’m DONE WITH THIS BUSINESS”

10. “Now ask me what I like about my mommy. Please.”

Okay, What do you like about your mommy?

“My answer is that I love my mom. It’s true mom. It’s true, mommy. I love you.”