I've Moved to a New Blog!!

Hey, friend.

This space is no more. I'm collecting my things and closing the door here.

I would love for you to come on over to my new virtual living room! It's a happy place, and I'm excited to share it with you!

Click here ------   www.thisgoodlifeblog.com  ---- and join me in my new and joyful space. Say hi if you have a moment, so I know you found us!

Lots of love,
Ash

Post-it Shares

I'm popping in really quick this morning to share some random small notes.

+ Yesterday was the first day I've done yard work this year. I bagged up 7 huge bags of gum balls and that gets me about halfway through what needs to be done in the front yard (until a thousand more drop). I needed that sunshine so badly and I'm so excited that today is going to be another day of it. Thomas helped some and then laid on a blanket and said nothing for a good bit while he waited for me to finish so we could go inside and have warm drinks.

+ I bought a domain! And a Squarespace membership! I've been journaling a lot lately. Two days ago as I was writing a new blog name came to me as clear as day and I thought how obvious it's been all along what I've tried to say in my writing for the last few years.  I'll share it with you as soon as I can. I'm really excited.

+ Being off Facebook for Lent has been so amazingly fruitful. I won't share just yet everything I've been experiencing "off the grid", but it's been pretty significant. (And yes, even with still being on Instagram and this blog.) I'll just say this. Facebook is noisy. It's cluttered. It's a lot for me to take in, but it's been such a presence for so many years (slow boiling the frog) that I didn't think much of it. I honestly can't think right now about how I'll use it responsibly after Lent. Right now I'm truly enjoying this sensation of being stripped of a "need" and seeing how many things are so much more essential and life-giving to me.

+ Need a jolt of inspiration?? Go here and watch this guy's video. It's long, but it's worth it. It's maybe the best video I've ever watched. Truth. (Teaser: He reaffirms the #1 thing that I read about in The Power of Positive Thinking...that I have yet to get in the habit of doing.)

+ Cari Donaldson is lovely and has been sharing quotes with us from a terrific book titled, My Other Self, over on Instagram. She's posting these wonderful snippets through Lent and it has been such a gift. Don't miss out. Her handle is @caridonaldson.  I don't know if it's kosher to do this, but here you go...

+ It turns out our Lenten prayer chain has been really fun & helpful too. We rip off our new link in the morning, announce whose day it is (randomized group of every family member and then some friends, neighbors, etc as well), post it on the fridge and then pray for them at the start and the end of the day. To see the number of days in that physical form is really something. I've loved it!

+ I wrote two weeks ago about how winter is hard on me which of course made me bolster with enthusiasm that I was gonna skip right over that this year. After I wrote the post I couldn't leave the house for over a week because Emerick had 7 straight days of Factor 8 treatments and an IV in his arm that made his eating efforts (and refusal to use his hand that actually had a range of motion) quite comical. When I finally made it to the Y on Tuesday this week, I was wearing no make-up, no smile, and an oversized hoodie with paint splatters on it. After walking for 30 minutes, I found myself staring out the Y windows at a dead tree shaking in the cold.

So I'm handling winter pretty well.

;)

A Long List of Small Ways I Cultivate a Reading Life

 Books are awesome. I’m sharing how I hack my time & energy to read as much as I can.

These are true to the season of life and motherhood I’m in. Take what you want and leave the rest. I’ve got my own set of circumstances, and you are likely in a very different boat.

And if you are in the same boat, what are you doing without a life jacket? And row faster, won’t you?!!!

1. I waterfall my reading. I read serious, thought-provoking material in the morning, and it goes downhill from there. By the time I crawl into bed it better be so fluffy I can float on it right to sleep.

2. I keep my “to read” list on my phone on the Reminders app. By some sort of magic, it helps me get more books in my hands. It’s the same list app (as simple as they come) that I share with Paul for groceries (swear by it). The list is long, but I get to scroll through it every once in a while and knock one off.

3. I hook our chapter book read aloud time to an absolute in our day. Thomas and I have kept true to our read aloud time every day for over two years. We are more flexible on the weekend of course, but the week days go the same way every. single. day. Naps start for the twins. Then we read our chapter book.

4. I set a timer for my personal reading. Mid-day I’m like a piece of toast discovered six hours past its prime. Lately, I’ve been refueling by giving myself 20 minutes to read which is enough to make headway on a book but not so long that it’s not a realistic option for my day. It’s amazing what just a small chunk of focused reading does to clear my brain and lift my spirits back up. It’s incredible. 

5. I take pause before picking my next read. I’ve learned not to set up myself for failure. The older I get, the more I really think about what mood I’m in (oh, the feels) and what I need right now. I like a variety and try to switch things up, so that reading always brings me new flavors. Same rule goes for picking our chapter books too. In the pause, I read Amazon book reviews. Preferably with glass of wine in my hand. 

6. Books are the one thing I buy randomly for the kids. There is no other type of toy or treat we just give to the kids. I would never say, “surprise! I bought you Legos!” But I do it as much as I can afford to with books. I’m generally opposed to rewards, but if I buy one it’s probably going to be a book. 

7. I go solo to the library every other Saturday to pick up books.  I max out our card. First, I check the new books and award contestant books. Next, I grab around 3 books for each subject for school: science, math, history, art, and poetry to use for our morning time loop. Then, I grab level readers since Thomas needs a few of those to build up fluency. Last, I scan for bindings that have award or runner-up labels. Last, I judge a lot of books by their cover and fill up the rest of the bags. 

8. I keep a Goodreads account for Thomas. I’ve kept it up (admittedly missed a few books last year) since he turned 4. Yes, we had to sign him up for an email, but I can switch from my account to his no problem on my computer.  I let him rate books.  He gets to tell me what he’s interested in reading. It’s really fun. It’s motivating for him to see all we’ve read, and now he's just begun reading chapter books on his own so I'm really excited for him to log his reads. 

9. I keep a Goodreads account for myself. Let’s be friends.  :)

10. I listen to podcasts that encourage me to read.  Read Aloud Revival and What Should I Read Next? are my two favorites right now.  (Also, I'm a Modern Mrs. Darcy lifer.)

11. I read books that encourage me to read more. I’m due for a reread of The Read Aloud Handbook. 

12. I share what I read with Thomas. We hear so much about investing in what our children read, but I want Thomas to join in my world a bit too. I’ve read aloud from or summarized so many books that I’ve read. He sees me reading and asks me about my book. He asks me to read it to him, and I usually do. 

This seems very normal to me. My mom shared snippets of her books, and her thoughts about what she was reading, all the time growing up. I still treasure those moments to this day. She was sharing her enthusiasm for reading, for learning, and thought it natural to include us too and I really love that she did.

13. We laugh.  We don’t take ourselves too seriously.  The “me balls” from Only Ivan. The silly dreams in The BFG. The creepy figures in The Wizard of Oz. The Indian’s curt demands from The Indian in the Cupboard.  The ridiculous anecdotes of the narrator in the Lemony Snicket series. I have oodles of times Thomas and I have shared laughs over books. I have so many reasons I think reading is of serious importance, but it’s just fun too.  A lot of fun. Or it’s sad. And we go there too. We let ourselves feel.  Thomas made an invisible threat to the bully in Hoot and I had to encourage him to feel a little less…  

14. We keep our library books in the same place. This should encourage more reading, right? 

15. I’m honest with Thomas. I don’t sugar coat. Sometimes, I think a book is lame and say so. Sometimes, I adore a book and I say that too. Sometimes, I’m still trying to figure a book out so I say that.  I let him be honest too. We don’t have to love all books, but a lot of books are worth the try and usually make good conversation anyway. 

16. I ask people about books they are reading or for their favorites.  Oh to be connected to others through the books we read. I absolutely love it! If I read a book I almost always have a trail buddy--someone I can talk to about that book (or whom has already talked to me about the book.)

17. I make a plan. I have a number of books I’ve already planned on reading this year, so I’ll switch between reading those I’ve planned on and those that I feel like and also those that come in from the library (because I always have an ongoing hold list and they come in at pretty random times). Here’s an example. It’s the list of books I wanted to, give or take a few, get around to this school year. We are doing pretty well. (The same can’t be said for my own reading.)

18. I give classics a try. There’s a good reason everyone else has read it. It might not end up one of my favorites, but I want to know the secret too. From the classics I’ve finally caught up with in the past few years, it’s totally worth the late read. 

19. I keep an Amazon wish list just for books. 

20. Rule of two. I always have one non-fiction book going and one fiction book going. I might have an additional book beyond that, but I definitely have those first two.  

21. I take tons of screen shots.  I screen shot Instagram book recs all the time. Then when I clean out my photos, I add those books to my “to read” list or put them on hold right away. I highly recommend! 

I just looked on my phone. Here's the most recent book rec screen shot I took. 

And here are a few things I would love to start:

1. Keeping a commonplace book — Do you have one? Where do I start?

2. Thomas keeping a record of his pages read — Too soon maybe. 

3. Sharing recommendations here or on Instagram (but it does feel a little overwhelming because there are so many terrific books)

4. Putting more books on hold for the kids so I can utilize the drive through. 

5. A book club! I’m wondering if this matters enough to me that I’m ready to make it happen. Possibly. 

Do you have tricks and tips for cultivating a reading life? How do you make it happen? 

"Siri, how many days do we have left of winter???"

Winter is a struggle for me. Thomas knows. He said to me the other day, "Remember that one time (he's referring to last year) snow had just melted on the ground and new snow started falling and we were looking out the sunroom windows and I was excited but you looked like you were going to cry?"

Yes, Thomas. I absolutely remember. That was the day before we joined the Y.

This time last year I took walks almost every single morning around the neighborhood while the kids were sleeping. I would wake up with the silent and the cold. I loved that season of early mornings. I tripped over a branch in the dark and barely missed some geese one other time, listened to Unbroken on audio and all the financial podcasts, stopped each time at the lake to stare at the clouds reflecting under themselves, and smiled as the dawn would break. It was what I needed at the time.

I'm in that category of people who are super affected by the seasons and the weather. Give me three rainy days in a row and I'll give you desperation in my voice and Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell on repeat.

I cook unnecessarily elaborate meals. It's one of my love language.  The colors and the feeding my guys and the trying new recipes. I just love being in the kitchen prepping all the things and filling the house with smells of butter and onions, a simmering soup, or a roast on low. It makes me come absolutely alive to cook.

But when we had the fall back time change in November....And I was looking outside that first week when it was time to get dinner started and it was already DARK. Dark I say. Dark. It was dark even before I could cut an onion or peel some carrots.

I looked at the dark outside my kitchen window and decided right then that it was not in the cards for us to be eating this winter. I served pb & js to any kid who thought that sounded fun. So all of them. And I sat at the table with some sunny side up eggs and talked to myself about hibernation.

It was lots of sunshine and warm here the week before last. I can't be sure but I think I was floating. 

For homeschoolers, February is supposed to be a bust. February is the month the homeschool momma drives by the local elementary school while asking peculiar questions of her children like, "Do you still have the backpack we bought you?" and "Don't you think recess sounds like fun?"

But I don't know how February can be a bust when January was such a drag. Let me illustrate: "SCHOOL? SCHOOL? We're doing THAT again?" <Stare face emoticon + stare face emoticon + stare face emoticon.> So, after convincing my darling (who, mind you, never had a problem doing school for an entire semester but then acted like resuming it was akin to wading into shark-infested waters) that "Yes. That's right. One semester of kindergarten was not a complete education", I don't plan on missing one single beat on our drum marching forward.

January's unsuspected horror of "education shock" has been the flip side of February's falling back in love. Okay, love might be a stretch. But we've really been hitting our stride the last couple weeks. We've found a great routine. We're using a Time Timer for everything and doing morning time and resumed memory work. We are getting our work done earlier in the day and reading more and even having a good bit of fun while doing math care of a miniature plastic dog that we pretend is Thomas's teacher because homeschoolers are weird.

So homeschooling is in good shape. And that's good because we are going from zero to 60 with Paul's travel. He's going to Australia for two weeks and I'm excited for him and we'll just have to see how the kids and I manage. I'm just gonna say it. We are so due for an awful sickness. I'm bracing myself.

37 days left of winter. 

I've been a Catholic all my life and I've never once made the connection that a sincere focus on Lent could be a convenient distraction from winter. It's only a pretty theory I made up the other day. My eyes lit up and I thought I finally found the ticket to surviving a bi-polar Missouri winter that teases and taunts and occasionally dumps tons of snow on you when you least expect it. We'll see.

I'm off Facebook for Lent. So blogging here (which I still hope to do on Tuesdays and Thursdays) is interesting. I already have a tiny audience. It'll be super tiny without Facebook. I think I like that though for right now.  When I started blogging I could care less about the race to blog this certain way so that I could get somewhere with it. I just had words I wanted to eek out. I just wanted practice. I don't need to arrive. I just want to show up.

Honestly, writing is a labor for me. It's really, really difficult for me to move my thoughts and feelings out and over to you without mixing it all up. To connect, yes, that's my hope too--that someone else (you) can say, "Oh, me too!" This is my space to practice with the words over and over and over again.  It's really hard to do that when I'm focused on the opinion of others. So some quiet blogging during Lent (maybe I'll let it all out a bit more) feels pretty good.

If you are here, still, without Facebook---wow. I love you. I'll write to you this Lent, so tell me what to write. And if you say nothing, I'll keep writing just like this. 

But back to winter. I can see the light. It's there. I'm going to pull out my superhero cape (totally kidding.) (I keep it on all the time. ;) and really go big for this last stint of winter.  If all else fails, our Lenten Prayer chain and grocery deliveries from Hyvee will save us!!

A Letter to Thomas On His Birthday

Thomas,

You turn 6 today! If your memory capabilities hold true for the future, this letter will be mostly pointless because you will retain 97% more memories of your childhood than your dear mother.

Sometimes you ask about yourself. I tell you that you are a little like your dad, a little like me, and a great deal of just uniquely you.  I heard you tell Alistair and Emerick in another room yesterday, "This is 100% not what we are trying to do here." That's me coming out of your mouth. It's a problem. (which is actually another thing I've heard you say...)  You make up for it by being patient, kind, loving, and joyful.

At 6, I know who you pretty well. You need to know why for everything. You lead and manage and take charge of things. You love reading, building, and drawing. You are. not. shy. When people don't give you enough attention in public because their oogling like idiots over your brothers, you simply say, "Hi. I'm Thomas! I like to build Legos!" or something of the sort.  You speak well when you want to. It still takes me aback. So does your whining. Let's quit that soon because it's really undermining the awesome I know of you.

You are very helpful. Sometimes, I say something I'm dealing with out loud. You often offer a solution or your help. When you said you would go into Target yesterday with a list of the things I needed so I didn't have to bring the the twins out in the cold, I had to turn you down. But a lot of times your suggestions are truly helpful and sometimes even very smart. Keep solving problems and adding value to people's lives. That's most of what is going to bring you success and joy as an adult.

Reading is really special to us. Two days ago you were finishing Diary of a Wimpy Kid. You read independently now and it's amazing. I was correcting a few of your words. You got miffed with me and said you would figure it out, not to help please. So I turned around on the couch so I could just listen to you. Shortly after, you told me, "No, Mom. It's okay. You can correct my words. I want you to tell me the right way to say these." On the one in a million chance you are reading this when you are older--hear me please.  I'll give you space, but you can always call me back. I'm trying to raise you to be a man. To be tough and independent and to execute things well and to work hard. But it's ok to need people too. I'm giving you permission to be as wise as a 6 year old.

Ah. I almost forgot the two best words in the universe that you say. I ask you to do things all the time. A good portion of the time you respond with this very agreeable "yeah sure".  Sometimes it's "yeah sure, Mom" or even, "yeah sure. I can do that for you."  It's in the most pleasant tone of voice I've ever heard in my life. You say it and mean it and help me right away. When I hear those two words I feel as if I'm on the beach with a mixed drink, sun on my skin and a smile on my face.  I love you unconditionally but I really love you for being so cool about so many things. In that regard, I want to be just like you.

You and I, we read about a lot of orphans who've parents have died. Likely, that won't happen to us. I'm a very selfish woman and God wants me ironing that out by wiping up spilled milk every day.  But should something happen to me or you learn nothing in your stay here because it's too loud, here's what I want you to know.

1. Be humble. Humility is everything. You can't grow without it. You can't be your best self without it. You can't know God without it. You can't serve others well without it.  If you can be humble, you can know joy. Don't be afraid of seeing both your strengths and weaknesses just exactly as they are every day. Knowing these things and walking in humility will set you free.

2. Accept responsibility. People fail. Great people makes things right. They let go, they forgive, and they don't just say they did wrong--they fix what's broken to the best of their ability.  Take ownership even where you don't know how you'll carry it. You will find a way.

3. Work hard. We don't work hard just so we can have more money and more things. We work hard as a huge, heartfelt thank you for this day, this body, these gifts.  Work hard every day because you can. Work hard every day because millions of men and women fought for your freedom to do so. Work hard every day because there is nothing better in this life than making the lives of other people better.

4. Seek God and love others. This takes vulnerability. This takes strength. This takes seeing people for their whole self and letting your respect reach beyond that outer layer into an understanding that we are much, much, much more than meets the eye. It's easier said than done, but it's worth it. Treat others how you want to be treated. Set your expectations high and surround yourself with people who have that mindset too. And know, oh Thomas please know, you are never ever alone. You are in a village. We are in this together.

I'm stopping here so I can make you pumpkin bread for breakfast. You and your brothers will attack it like the pack of wolves that you are. We'll put up decorations today and dance and I'll dream a little about this next year.

I hope you know how much you are loved. How capable you are. What a good person you are. How you are a bright light in our world.

Happy 6th, Thomas!



With All My Heart,

Your momma

Where to Start When You are a Home Improvement Newb

I think I've mentioned we are refinancing our house--and are just days away. I'm so flipping excited.

Two weeks ago I watched an appraiser walk through our house and take photos. No come to Jesus experience like readying your house for its best look. As you are scrubbing bathrooms and painting cabinets you see things as they are: the improvements and what's lacking too.

My mind is always focused on everything else we need to do--and fresh off a season with baby twins, that is an overwhelming list. I was seriously looking at the list just now and my eyes about crossed. But going through the appraisal process helped me see that I have done work on this home and that I've learned a few things about home improvement since we moved in five years ago. Started from the bottom. Now I'm here.

Here are my very humble and amateur suggestions for anyone who might be reading and feel like their home improvement skill-set is flirting with absolute zero. These are things I would lovingly grab you by the shoulders and tell you to do. I've been there. I feel ya. These things are huge!


+  Get an estimate


This one should be in all caps. I can't stress this enough. Estimates. Estimates. Estimates. They are free. They are quick. They are only a call away. I have learned so very much from the men who have come in and given us estimates for projects. This is their area of expertise, so they drop knowledge about your roof or your fence or your plumbing that you wouldn't even know to ask, you didn't even think to worry about. Knowledge is power. I've gotten estimates that were so surprisingly cheap for projects that I couldn't do (new circuit) or were taking me for.ev.er (that blasted never ending brush pile) and I was able to jump on those things immediately. Other estimates have helped us manage our money or attention in a more organized way. We have a sober understanding of what it costs to replace things because we've talked to so many individuals who have explained those things to us.


+  Ask for help


Ask for specific help. My friend, Natahle, took the time to show me how to "cut in" with paint (rather than use that awful painter's tape) and explained exactly what brushes to use and how to care for them. She came to my house to help me pick out a paint color (I typically pick out colors that are much brighter and bolder than what I actually want) and even painted a room with me. When I go to Lowe's I ask all the questions. I have no shame. Maybe I should, but I don't. I don't have time to worry about what it looks like to be asking about the difference between two light bulbs that look the same. I just go right for it, and the information I get is so helpful. I also hit up YouTube on the regular. If I see awesome projects, decorations, etc. at a friend's house, I just simply asked her how she did it. My cousin, Michele, just walked me through how to pick out curtains, the measurements to work with when hanging them, and where to buy them. She even explained why she picked out the styles that she did considering different elements already in the room. And this was just in maybe 5 or 10 minutes. Don't hesitate to ask questions. People love empowering you and seeing you have fun with your home too. Likely, they remember the days when they cut the caulk too wide or painted an entire room in a color they ended up not liking.

+ Ask your spouse to pull looks (and pull looks for yourself)


I know Pinterest can often spell disaster. Craft projects and cutesy party platters are often a bust for me. But if you and your husband (or just maybe you yourself) can't get your ish together on what style you want to banner your house with--Pinterest can be an incredible tool to build the same language and have a safe 3rd party. You can talk all day about modern or colorful or industrial light bulbs, but I think it is in peering together at photos that compromise and a happy meeting is struck. What do you like about this room? That's a great question! Just so we are clear--my house does not have a cohesive look. We've got some colorful. Some traditional. Some boy-somebody-needs-a-vision-here. But to try and understand where your spouse is coming from, I think looking at someone's else's already work is a better start than shouting in your living room about how you've never like that stupid couch anyway.

 
+  Tackle the thing you hate most

If I reached through the screen right now and handed you a magical wand that had the power to instantly transform one thing in your home, what would you take that wand to? What's that one thing in your house that makes just...ugh. You have visions of taking it outside and lighting it on fire. No? That's just me? Okay, well I know we need to be financially smart and sometimes slow to do things, but maybe this year give yourself the push to tackle that one thing that really really you secretly hate. Last year that thing was removing a cabinet in our kitchen that was blocking our counter. I feel like these worst things are like clogs in our home. Rip out the clog and things start flowing in the right direction again. You feel freed up and you'll find your energy multiplied like magic.

+  Earn a small win

Don't underestimate how much a fresh coat of paint (maybe you even already have that on hand) or new handles for your drawers can make you feel. No matter how much you don't know how to do, there are likely already resources on hand or projects you already know how to do within an arm's reach. With each small project you do, allow yourself to feel good about yourself in this area. One time I was running a 5k last year and as I was awkwardly laboring through the last mile I kept saying to myself "I'm doing the thing. I'm not thinking about doing the thing. I'm doing it right now." Does that sound pretty dumb? Well, it works for me. Sometimes we think so much about what we would love to do with our home one day... but when you are changing out those light bulbs or spray painting your ceiling fan or organizing a closet you are doing it. It doesn't have to be big. It can just be one thing this week and you are doing it. Small wins will take you there.

+  Be you. Be content. Enjoy the process. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I value financial freedom about a thousand times more than a room that is "perfect" or even photo ready. I mean. We took five years before replacing our curtains, so that speaks for itself, especially if you saw those wooden blinds in our bedroom. There's always going to be more to do. You've gotta be okay with that. There's no finish line for a home. It's all about making an efficient, warm, welcoming and happy environment.  And that does not equal newly stained floors just because so and so said you should. I find contentment so incredibly fascinating and I find people who are content even more so. Of course we should make things better. Of course we should strive for beauty. But not so much so that we are scrambling to please or anxious about the bank statements. The best homes I've ever been in were those that had nice people in them. And I mean that 100%.

* * * * * 

I have a long list of small and larger projects that I'm tackling this year, and I'm so excited! I love trying my hand at things that are new to me. Home improvements and decorating are definitely out of my comfort zone, but I like making mistakes and learning as I go. It's so fun to see a vision materialize, ideas come to life!


What have you found to be helpful in improving your home? What projects are you working on right now or looking forward to doing this year?


I plan on smoothing out my sunroom's popcorn ceiling... we shall see how that goes.

What I Learned From the Hardest Part of (my) 2015

If someone other than me were to review my year last year, documents in hand—bills, journals, appointments, photos, mail— in order to determine what was my hardest part of last year… Well, I think that person would most certainly get it wrong. 

There was a month last year where I spent 40+ hours in doctor’s offices and hospital rooms. Most of those hours were spent slowly cracking open pistachio nuts, stacking coins, and testing eye shadow on three little boys in the most tedious form of survival known to moms: waiting with small children. 

Technically speaking, finding out the twins have hemophilia was hard. It turns out that when something, anything is wrong with your child you go through a grieving process, so there’s that. But as I was feeling all the feels about the boys’ futures and simultaneously having heart attacks about managing the physical needs of 3 boys in my home (AKA: lots and lots of cussing and running about and freaking out last year as I was adjusting to what is safe and what’s not for hemophiliacs), there was also just some bad luck for the boys and more blood loss and more bad pricks and more trips to the specialists and those five awful days Alistair didn’t walk — and just when I didn’t think I could handle one more hospital trip for Factor 8 treatments, they stopped just like that. 

But this season of learning about hemophilia and taking it on as our new normal was not the dark spot in my year.  Yes, it was hard in the sense that I felt knocked about in rapid succession for a couple months. But there was something markedly different about this than the actual worst pat of my year last year. 

My actual worst part of my year was right around Thanksgiving. I can’t put a rubber band around the stack of those days. I don’t know when it started or when it ended. And when I was in it, it really shouldn’t have been that hard. 

Paul was traveling less than he had been.  We were truly in the groove of homeschooling—getting everything done and having some fun too. Thomas’s reading had just exploded, reading almost everything he came across. And our trips to the hospital for the twins had taken a hard pause. 

But I felt out of control. The slow work of teaching the twins to talk felt grueling. The task of disciplining three very different children felt exhausting. The days seemed to once again feel not so fresh at start…but rather a continuation of an uphill battle. 

So it was that my worst part of my year was when I found myself coasting.  The worst grades I earned in college were from the easiest classes I took. If I’m not pushing myself hard, I crumble. I have to have push goals and big dreams and things outside of the everyday to make the leap from just okay to joyful.  

Here are my take aways after climbing out of my limping, lacking whiny month last year:

1. I have to do hard things. If I’m not enduring something hard outside of my choice, I need to find something hard and bring it toward me. I like big goals. I like doing and making and achieving. Coasting = death.
2. What is in my control? What is outside of it? I need to focus nearly all of my attention on the things that I can do and accept the rest.  When I have shifted to what I can’t control, I’ve really stumbled.  And my goodness, there are so many things about life we can’t control.  But there’s an infinite number of things we can do. Locus of control. That’s where I want my eyes firmly fixed this year.
3. We are vulnerable after big accomplishments.  We are vulnerable after finishing hard things.  There’s a gap there where our energy was. It needs filled with lots of new excitement for something else. But, for me, that means thinking just a bit about new goals. It means planning and dreaming right after the finish line. Not just resting and doing nothing, but resting in visualizing new things. 

I see the difference now.  Hard things that were not hard for me: Lots and lots of travel weeks in the beginning of the year. Hemophilia crash course this summer. Being homeschool newbies this fall. These should have been hard, but they weren’t because with each thing there was something I was fighting for. 

Financial freedom

My children’s health & happiness

And all the books now open doors for my firstborn

Hard things are not hard with clear purpose.  Heavy work is made light by the hope in our hearts. 

What are you fighting for?

What heavy work are you ready to make light? 

Our NYE NYC trip!

I'm pressing pause here to write a bit about our trip to NYC before our ordinary days pull me too far downstream. And that happens pretty quickly. In fact, I find that actual happenings in my life almost never get blogged. I write about thoughts mostly. Things I've learned. Things I'm mulling over. But those actual real life details are tough to make happen AND then also make happen on the blog. So here goes...

NEW YORK CITY!!!

  
Paul surprised me on Christmas with an already set-up (I didn't have to worry about care for the kids or flights or hotel rooms) trip to NYC for New Year's Eve plus a few days which ended on my birthday (which he and my mother-in-law pre-planned as a day for Paul and I to enjoy at home alone). There is only 1 type of surprise I like and that's adventure surprises. I was so shocked and excited & I still am actually. Paul really went big this time.

I absolutely love how magical the new year feels.  NYE is my very favorite. I just love the promise of a new year. I love thinking back on all the things that happened in the year that's closing and all the things ahead that will happen-- some because I'll be hustling and working hard for them, and others because life surprises us in sprinkles and splashes.

And that timing of NYC + brand new year was the greatest aspect of this trip. For a dreamer and a planner like me, being in NYC at the very beginning of a new year was so extraordinarily special. Paul and I had time to reconnect and make memories together and enjoy each other before tackling another full year.  I spent time on the plane looking out at white puffs of clouds thinking about all things 2015--house improvements, hemophilia scares, homeschooling, and me leaning into my 30's...among many, many other things.  I spent time early in the morning at our hotel writing in my journal and listening to the city outside our window and thinking about 2016. In some ways, for my bigger yes. In others, in quiet awe of the things I just can't know about yet.

When we landed and got in a cab, the city was just starting to close streets for the NYE party down on Time Square (where our hotel was). So we climbed out of the cab right into thousands of people walking all over streets. Literally on the streets because there were several streets only open to foot traffic at that point. Pulling our luggage through the throngs of people from all over the world---that will always be one of my favorite travel memories ever. The energy was visceral. It was pulsing. And even though that was NYE and so it was amped up a bit, that's how NYC felt to me the whole time. Big. Exciting. Energetic. Electric.

I love traveling. I love going away and coming back, new. Changed. No one else can see it, but you know it like a tiny golden secret. Forever with a bit of your heart tattooed in the shape of a far away city. New York City surprised me. It didn't feel rude or pushy or overwhelming or snobby--not sure why that's what I expected. It felt like an open door. A happy place. A space for everyone. This was my favorite thing about the city. It's so special because of the nature of things, the history, the physical layout. It's welcoming more than anything else I can put to words. And once you're in, you feel absolutely alive!

Walking through Central Park. <swoon> How a park (in the dead of winter mind you) can be so wonderful, I just don't understand. Parks, the outdoors, places with trees...that's my thing. But I've never ever been to a space like Central Park. There is something truly special about it. I love how the skyscrapers line up like guardians on all sides of the park. I love how much people connect there. Runners. Bikers. Walkers. Tourists. Residents. Casual walkers. Loud talkers. Thinkers. Photo-takers. Coffee drinkers. Health nuts. Conversations over here and there and behind you and whizzing past you. Everywhere you look, there's more to see and take in. If you twisted my arm and asked me for the #1 thing you can't miss in NYC, I would say it's Central Park. I really hope we will get to take our kids there someday so I can share it with them too!

Something Paul and I have really loved when we've traveled is visiting with people we love who live nearby. It's such a great way to tie together the roots of our ordinary lives with the excitement of a new city. And once again, we were able to do that. Our friend, Amanda, (whose husband, Preston, works with Paul) was celebrating her 30th & they invited us to join for a big family style dinner with her long time friends (and no surprise she has lots--Amanda is the sweetest) and spouses / sig. others. That was such a fun night! It was our last night in the city and we partied accordingly. Paul said we got back to the hotel at 2:30 in the morning, so translated to mommy of three small children...that's like 8 in the morning.

Okay. Let me just throw out some other stuff we did really really quick because I'm losing you at this point...

+  9/11 Memorial -- Very moving. Must see. They've done a beautiful job.  It's very intimate and respectful and something that just needs to be visited. Also, the new Freedom Tower is so freakishly tall. I could not look up at it without getting dizzy. Do I sound like I'm from a small town or what?

+ Comedy Cellar -- Easily, easily most I've ever laughed in my life. Awesome well-known comedians. We got seated right in the front. This was something I wanted to do so badly, and I'm so glad I made sure we went.

+ Les Halles -- I wouldn't say I was blown away by the food in NYC like I was in Charleston, SC (the food there---life!), but I had a meal at Les Halles that was the most balanced, beautiful dish I think I've ever had. It was some sort of fish on a bed of ratatouille with lobster sauce.

+ Uber driver chats -- Thank goodness for Uber! Cheap, efficient way to get around the city. And I loved the conversations we had with the drivers... except the sexist Russian. That was awkward. (Paul kept me away from the subway, so I never got to see that pizza rat that went viral or undercover famous musicians dressed up like hobos that I'm just sure were down there waiting for me to spot them. I also didn't get interviewed by HONY, so you can really see how my NYC trip was far less than perfect. ;)

+ MOMA -- [Museum of Modern Art] -- I love a good art museum and this really had me feeling all the feels--and on the 1st day of the new year no less. Except for the super contemporary stuff. That had me feeling like a really confused 5th grader who wasn't paying attention in class and just got called on. There were a few pieces that Paul and I were just like "mmm, no" to. Paul loved the Picasso stuff. I loved all the stuff, even the stuff I scratched my head at. We both loved Pollock. I took a ton of photos for what reason I do not know. I think I got called a beach (alternate pronunciation) because I took too long staring at Starry Night which was much different than what I thought it would be.

+ Chelsea Market -- Foodie heaven! Lots and lots of shops that satisfy the appetite. I've never actually wished I would have overeaten except for when we left Chelsea Market...because there were just so many awesome things to try. We didn't overeat though at all. We ate a taco and a danish. First time I can say I felt like Scarlett O'Hara at the picnic undereating so as not to look like a pig. What a loss.

+ The High Line -- Elevated railway turned park. Pretty cool. Not a must see. Or, maybe a must see if you were there on a warmer day and/or you were also going to see the Whitney...which we would have totally done (yes, even though we had already spent two and a half hours at MOMA) if we would have had more time.

+ The NYE ball -- We didn't actually do the real deal down in Time Square squished in tight with people who keep bumping into me and I've been standing here for six hours but can't get to a bathroom so I just peed myself party, but it didn't matter much. We did hang out on the streets for a while. The ball was in sight from our hotel and it's really pretty in person (even though it looks really far away and just white in the photos) but then we mostly just had a blast partying out at the hotel bar and talking to people and feeling sorry for the suckers out on the streets. I passed out thirty minutes before the ball drop in true mom fashion of which Paul caught on camera and will never let me live down... as he shouldn't. Still so much fun!

+ Walking through the city -- It's the in between sometimes that sticks out in my mind most about travel.  When Paul and I walked through residential streets in Santa Barbara. When we walked an entire square around Charleston--whoops. And this time, when we walked in the cold and windy streets of NYC at night because I thought it would be a fun way to kill time before the comedy club and Paul and I had walked so much already we had to stop at a CVS and get him shoe inserts... it's that unexpected normal stuff that I love so much. It's not on the itinerary. It's just what happens and it's awesome. Especially when it's just walking through a city and feeling wonderfully out of place together.

+ Mass celebrated by Cardinal Dolan at St. Patrick's -- I didn't actually let tears fall from my face because I looked around and everyone else seemed to be playing it cool, but guys... it is just so beautiful there. The grandeur is just intense. I will always treasure that. I've always had these emotional pricks in the communion line shuffling up in humility and awe to Christ. Whether it be in the church I was raised in when I was younger or the church we go to now, toddler on hip and nudging Thomas forward, and all those we've been to in between. In those moments I'm thinking about how we are all welcome to walk forward and receive Christ. Sinners. Hopers. Those lost. Those hurt. Those happy. Those looking and longing. Those in need of daily bread. As I walk forward I have this massive (albeit temporary) ripping open in my heart thinking of people from all around the world walking forward, bringing what they have and what they need to that altar, to that reception. But to feel that communion in St. Patrick's. It just hit me so hard and I will never, ever so long as I live forget it. Also, I heart Cardinal Dolan.

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We are so grateful that our parents (both sets) have been generous and gracious with us, that they've watched our kids so that we could take trips away. We are excited to take lots of trips with the boys more and more as they get older. But this season the past couple years, post twins... I'll keep this discreet, but suffice it to say it is much needed and even more appreciated that our parents have helped us make special trips away happen so we can reconnect and feel grounded and make special memories together just the two of us.  It's a radical act to cut into life as a whole family and run off with your spouse, but I think it takes some radical acts sometimes to do what's right for your family and every family is so unique in what that looks like. This trip away blessed and reinvigorated our relationship so much. I'm deeply grateful.  I'm also glad to be back home amidst our ordinary days and doing all that normal work at home loving on these guys, making small things special right here  moment by moment and day by day.

The Year of a Bigger Yes

Last year I turned 30. My mortality tapped me on the shoulder, it shook me from my slumber. I can't do or be all the things (or even think I'm going to--even more noteworthy), and that's ok.  It's humbling. But there's freedom there in seeing things just as they are too.

This year, I want to run with that.

2016 is my year of a bigger yes.

I'm recommitting. I'm doubling down. I'm digging deep right exactly where my feet stand.

+  Seven and a half years ago I held Paul's hands and vowed to love and care for him. I was young and stupid. I didn't know what that meant. I loved an idea of him. But now I love him and learn more about him each year.

+  Five years ago we bought this house. We are happy and grateful every day for this space (and so close to being done with the process of a refi to a 15 year term--woohoo!).

+ Six years ago Thomas made me a brand new mom & two years ago Alistair & Emerick cried side by side for me in the hospital room and my heart both times said, "yes, thank you, yes."

+ Three years ago, I decided to be a stay at home mom--to better meet our family's needs. Three years, wow. It's been very difficult and also very rewarding. It's the right choice for us, but that doesn't mean it comes easy or natural.

+ Last year, we eagerly (and a bit nervously too) began homeschooling...and it's been huge. Huge. It is our happy place. I have big plans. There's no lid on my joy anymore.

These are big things I've said yes to. There are lots of little things too. Like the way it matters to me that my body is in the shape that feels right. That I paint and write and take walks and think in the dark early of the morning. That I invite people in. That I travel and push myself in things that I've never done before. That I finish tasks completely, with excellence. That I read and write a lot.

Oh, and one not little at all thing too but that I tend to not write much of here. That my yes to Christ is a big yes even after all these years (16-ish) and all the turning over and through of good and bad, of dark and light since my confirmation. 

What does our big yes look like in the little moments? When we are scrubbing the toilet or making the bed.  When we discipline the child or welcome home our husband. When we are serving dinner or getting dressed for the day. When we do wake up early for some some time to ourselves but it's so tempting to scroll through a feed or three on the phone. When we read aloud. When we play with our kids. When we work. When we listen.

I'm happy where I'm at at 31. If more gets added to my plate or things change, that's cool. But just as things are...I feel truly blessed. I bumbled my way through and yet come out the other side of my 20's in a place I dreamed to be.

But dreams aren't scooped up and preserved with one yes.  I have work, work, work, work, work and more work to do.  This year is about me doing that work.  And I'm pretty pumped!