Perpetual Pregnancy (Momma to Twins)

I want to make a note of something on this ye blog about being a twin mom.  I'll say it just in case another twin mom can assure me she feels it too or maybe so I can look back on things later and see that things were "challenging" enough that I felt compelled to say this.

For me, being a mom to twins feels like perpetual pregnancy.  Women will tell their pregnant friend about all the things up ahead: Just you wait. You think you're tired now? Hahaha....Oh my gosh, just wait. You are going to just be so crazy about your baby. You are going to fall in love.....You'll figure it out. It will all work itself out. Just wait.... 

In a lot of ways, pregnancy is a long exercise in patience. As much as a pregnant momma wants to be a mom to a baby in her arms, most of the time she is just focusing on getting through the day, not throwing up, and generally eating and drinking things that won't hurt baby.  Sometimes she doesn't want to think or read or talk of what's ahead because honestly pregnancy is enough and C'mon people, I'm doing a freaking amazing job just carrying this little person around, OKAY???!!!

Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel since I heard that I was carrying twins--that sense of being laser focused on the present so much that the future was far from my thoughts.  I prayed that I would carry one more week and then one more week and then one more week.  Then I eeked my way through the newborn phase, and I refused to think of crawling twins.  Then they crawled and I was okay with that, but I couldn't imagine walking. Then they were walking, but I couldn't imagine climbing..... You get the point.

Last night at the park, I walked past a pair of moms as Thomas pushed the twins' stroller up the hill.  She spilled out with enthusiasm that just a few years ago she had the exact same set up (welcoming twin boys with a 3 year old boy at home already) and encouraged and encouraged me that things would just get easier and easier. And that was without me saying one word about things being tough unless my eyes were doing the speaking for me--or the state of the stroller--or that it was taking us a month to walk up a hill I could jog up in 30 seconds--or....

As a mom of twins (or maybe it's because I have 3?), I'm so focused on what we're all doing right now, that I can't see ten feet in front of us (and in kid time translation, that's about 3 months).  It feels very intense to me a lot of the time. It's like this-- I feel immense joy watching my kids, like crazy, my heart is going to turn into sun beams and shoot out of my skin joy, but I rarely, rarely have fun thoughts about the twins at 3 or the twins at 5 or the twins at 10.  When I'm out in public and I see a set of twins (and especially identical boys), my brain short circuits and shuts down because it can't connect the dots from point A (which at this point is toddlers who I can sorta kinda take out in public if I strategically plan things) to point B (civil human beings).

If it takes having twins (or once again, maybe that mini-herd of kids) to be shocked and awed by simple things unfolding before my eyes, things I didn't have the time or energy to think much about happening because I am so intensely focused on the present, then I'll embrace it. Last week I was all like, "Holy cow, you guys are using forks, like really using them...you are actually using those forks...HOW DID YOU GUYS LEARN HOW TO USE FORKS?!"  And Alistair & Emerick were all, yeah, mom. C'mon, we're almost one and half. 

And then I probably went right back to wiping someone's butt or telling Thomas I liked his artwork.

Maybe things are getting a teensy, teensy, tiny bit easier here. Yes, I think that's what it is. Maybe. Whatever the cause, I can finally share something along the lines of twin mom guilt: I'm super excited in the moment, but not so much for the future.  I figure the future will take care of itself if I take care of today.  "Today" looks like disciplining not to bite & teaching how to talk & reading, reading, reading & feeding & diapering & so forth. "Today" is also watching & observing & noting little, simple things to consider maybe not for 3 months from now but for tonight or tomorrow or maybe next week.  That just has to be how things are right now for me & at almost a year and half into being a mom to twins/three kids, I'm finally okay with that truth.

Good times. Good times. :)

The Year Before / The Year Ahead

My sister, Amanda, babysat for us on Saturday, and later that day we had some time to visit and I loved it because life is busy and visiting doesn't happen as often as it should. 

With the sudden swath of cold this weekend along with the welcome arrival of fall treats, pumpkin beverages advertised and gourds on display, I felt sentimental about the way a year can sneak up on us and flash us memories of the springs, summers, falls, and winters of past.

Every once in a while I will take a moment to think about all my hopes, fears, struggles, plans, and joys that I was walking with in that season a year previous. I'm always truly amazed at how much time had in store for me that I couldn't have imagined no matter how much effort I put forth in planning or anticipation.

So, I asked Amanda, "Where were you a year ago?"

Amanda and I swapped our perspectives for where we were at last September: what we were feeling at the time, what lay ahead on our path we didn't know about, and maybe that "thing" at the time that felt heavy like it would always would be clinging, dragging. And of course, a year later we know better. As the story usually goes, all of us are stronger, smarter, and more adaptable than we give ourselves credit, and God showers us with enough grace to ruin so many heavy things in the most beautiful way.

Amanda took the question and added a bonus: "What advice would you give yourself a year ago?" 

I could think of very specific things for myself about not feeling pressure to meet up with moms for play dates or the importance of carving out time differently for myself and for time with Paul, but mostly I thought about one word: gentle.  I wish I would have been gentle with myself and others especially when things were difficult. When I felt lonely through Paul's absence or when I was really, really having a tough time with adjusting to life with 3 kids and being at home all the time. I see that I pushed myself & that was great and so helpful because through a lot of work, I've taught myself so many things this past year. However, I wish that in the process I would have been more kind to myself and others. Just a thought. Hopefully, that bent of being harsh wears down like a rock embedded in rushing water and I learn as I age to love lightly even when I'm doing hard things.

With the perspective of "one year since ___________", I can remember difficult things (like taking two babies without bucket seats and a four year old in this awful cold and snow on the ground and insane wind to Chic-Fil-A because Paul had been gone what felt like forever and I was desperate to do anything away from the house and how I cursed the crazy long winter and then Thomas got food poisoning and was losing things out both ends at 4 in the morning and wow, that was just a blast), but it's all the little daily joys that really shine and sparkle the most.

I feel like I've lived a whole life at home in just a year and a half of terribly unpredictable joys that I can't begin to describe or relay but I lived them. I lived them & that matters. I showed up & was present & I felt joy pierce my heaviness over and over and over again. Every naked toddler butt walking away from me. Every kooky question Thomas asks. Every little smile and bit of love these kids showered over me. Every single time Thomas and I snuggled under my covers and read. Especially that time he laughed so crazy over The BFG and asked me to reread parts over and over again and I thought he might just wet himself on the couch.  Those are the things that, if I had known them, I would have realized I was working toward and striving for much more than solving my problems, that I'm waking up to bust my butt, so I can make space for enjoying all the people I know and love and so we can dance in the margins.

This morning I woke to write a post about the twins being 15 months old. I was looking through my old posts and found this photo of Alistair & Emerick's baptism a little more than just a year ago:

And just how crazy is this for perspective? Here Andrea and Josh hold our boys but with their own narratives at the time, their own lives very much separate and foreign to being parents and now they hold their own boys in their arms and probably find themselves very much in tune with how much their lives have changed in the most unexpected and beautiful way in just one simple year.

Ah, just too much awesome for me to grasp.

All this is just to say, with September often referred to as the other new year and fall pressing itself on us, I'm ready and my heart is happy for another year of a lot more of all kinds of things-- a full, rich life where the surprises and the triumphs and the joys far outweigh and outshine and outstretch any measure of heavy we feel temporarily.

To another year!

Gushing about Caring for 5 Little Guys

I just want to pop in really quickly this morning and share my 4 favorite things about this small season of watching 5 little boys under 5.

My list might shed happy light for those of my sweet friends who have asked me if this is a good idea in their voice that says this is a bad idea...

My 4 Favorite Things About Watching My Sister's Twins Right Now:

1. Bonding time:

Thomas is so incredibly caring with Luke & Logan. He comforts them when they're crying with an "it's okay" or "I know, I know" or "don't be sad" and talks with them when they are awake and cooing at him.  I'm a little biased about Andrea's kids, but they "talk" a great deal. They are very responsive and it's so much fun to talk with them because they're generous with the smiles.  Thomas fills in for what he imagines them saying and that's also fun to listen to: "Oh, you had a good nap. That's great"; "Your mommy is at work right now, but she'll come back"; "Oh, I've been to the video store too!" Thomas rocks car seats, sets up blankets, arranges toys, and can even change a diaper (with a great deal of assistance).

This photo is so true of Thomas. He is always doing something to help. Sometimes I have to say "no, thank you" to that help, but it is sweet all the same. 

Now, about those other twins. Alistair & Emerick are like loaded guns. Even though their bright, smiling faces seem full of good intentions, I give them very, very limited visiting rights to Luke & Logan (and only when one of the sets is in my arms). I'm not sure what kind of bonding is going on there and/or if my twins are capable of swiping at the fresh set. In fact, I'm not really sure of what's ever going on with Alistair & Emerick.  Thomas and I tried to get Emerick to pick up a diaper (which was within his arm's reach) for over 5 minutes yesterday and the entire time he vacillated between a look of "I've not a clue" and "so you think I'm cute?"

2. Heavy / Light

I can be a whiny person. Okay, really whiny. [Paul, don't say a word about all those texts you get when you're travelling]. There's something about taking on the care of two more every other day to make me realize that my job of homemaker and kid raiser is a joy and not a burden. Switching between heavy and light feels like a mental exercise to embrace both because the seasons in our life are just that and they don't last forever.

I've just really slipped into the habit of thinking "LIFE IS SO HARD!" lately. This is almost exactly what I'll be thinking in an hour when I go to the library with the boys because I refuse to surrender to the drive through. I'll be in between choosing a book about Mars or Mercury and I'll look over to see one toddler bringing books to his mouth and one toddler walking his self out the building as if he has an appointment with anyone not us and just then a 4 year old I will pretend not to know will yell over his computer headphones  "CAN SOMEONE SHOW ME HOW THIS GAME WORKS??" And right then, I'll remember that motherhood can always be easier by lowering expectations.  Drop 'em low, let it go, take it slow-- It's a recipe for happy peoples I seem only to remember when I have breached disaster. Anyway, having Luke & Logan over here is helping me to enjoy my relatively light load on days off & not to sabotage myself by making things unnecessarily difficult.

3. Being Seen

I have wanted to write about the invisibility of being a SAHM a million times but can't find the words without sounding incredibly negative. Let me try to sum it by saying this:

If there's one thing I miss about working it was this: being seen. There is something so wonderful about your work being seen, acknowledged, and then challenged or complimented. People saw what I wore. They saw what I wrote. They saw that I failed. They saw that I cared / tried / solved / changed / grew / and simply just did. I love verbal affirmation. To hear "I saw that thing you did & I thought it was great" is enough fuel for me to do ALL THE THINGS. Truly. That's how I operate. I thought I would miss the money immensely. I don't. I thought not teaching would kill me. It didn't. (Let me introduce you to my 4 yo. Endless material there. ;). But not being seen? I don't know. It's just the really, really difficult part about not working that, for my personality, is a constant struggle. (A little dose of raw honesty for you.)

Anyway, this is all to say that I feel seen a little bit again. Andrea & Josh don't have to say much, or even anything at all, to make me know they feel what I do matters and this matters to me & makes me happy.

Weird? That's ok. I own it.

4.  The adventure of caring for kids

I love a good adventure. Who doesn't? The more time I spend with kids, the richer life feels. I've learned to laugh things off, roll with their whims, and not take life so seriously. Kids are unpredictable & always changing. I use to find this infuriating and on a bad day, I still do. But mostly, I just really enjoy being with little kids. And how is it that this is happening to me? I didn't own a single maternal instinct until I was pregnant with Thomas. Maybe after so many hours and experiences, you just cave in and join in on the crazy. Being fully immersed in a house of coos & "ba ba" & little dancing feet and this guy:

...it's like I've hit the nail on the head for that thing that makes me come alive.

Now if I could find a really, really good concealer for the tire marks under my eyes. :)

Bonus: Seeing my sister walk out the door in a cute dress & head to work, to be doing what's right for her right now with maybe, possibly a little bit more peace than another temporary care situation would have offered. It's a win-win situation, but mostly just a win because all our boys are very much loved and that's my very, very favorite.

Our 1st Family Vacation [Tennessee Bound with Lots of Little People]

Get to work, Thomas! You've got a family to pack!

Paul and I took a late, late, very late honeymoon-ish trip to California last March. Our 1st trip, of any scale, away together in 5 years.  It was so much fun to get away before the twins arrived and before I started staying at home, but mainly it was just so absolutely wonderful to eat meals uninterrupted, to finish conversations, and to stroll along the beach hand in hand. Bonus: stepping off the romantic beach at Santa Barbara into "tar grass" and using every last bar of soap & bit of cloth in the hotel to scrub black bits of grass and dirt and sticky death tar and nearly the skin off our feet also.

Ah, the twins were so easy to manage back then.

One thing we decided, an aha! epiphany if you will, while on our CA tour trip was that we wouldn't wait until vacation seemed an easy or timely fit for our family. Instead, we would be on the lookout for adventure & seize up opportunities to travel with our littles even if that meant it came with the tagline: "damn, that was a lot of work."

And now, a year and a half later and an iPhone completely maxed out on storage, I get to say that we did just that. We went. We saw. We did all the things with the little people. Enter me in an obstacle course competition of navigating public places with hungry, tired, and disoriented children, and I will not finish last!!!

We thought about renting a nice, luxurious SUV for our travels but then worried we wouldn't hit on that quintessential vacation experience of driving each other to the zone of insanity marked by twitching, snapping, or yelling things at people that don't make sense, so we stuck with our COZY Saturn Vue. This is the car we've patted our backs for keeping even with 3 kids and car seats so thisclosetogether it takes a Boy Scout badge to conquer correct buckling practices. A vacation with this vehicle? This was not part of the plan or dream or whatever we were thinking while gazing at each other in CA.  But there's that Anderson spirit, so after some trial run packing and coaching Thomas on how to carefully, carefully, carefully roll his clothes into tiny shapes, I decided to give myself more gray hairs it a green light!

We carefully navigated the storage issues for the trip. I asked for my mom's packing list, printed it off and then ruthlessly struck things off the list that we just couldn't space-wise afford to cram into the car if we also wanted to not strap Thomas to the roof. Books? Who reads! Not me! Umbrellas? Nope, that's where we're keeping the mini-med kit! Jackets? Forget it. We'll have little people hanging on us all day. We hardly need clothes.

Photographed below you can see naive children who have yet to venture into the wild, wild world of hotel accommodations (broken sliding mirrors! t.v.s at toddler reach! beautiful framed artwork for Thomas to behold!) and gas station food just perfect for little people to eat neatly & safely in a car so tight that we had to put their pack & plays at their feet & pretend it was a faux floor also just perfect for little people! So many things just perfect, I can't even tell you. <wink>

Maybe I'll tell you more about our trip soon. I'll have to think about it. I don't want to make anyone jealous by the abundant spread of benefits we seized in traveling with a set of one year old twins and a four year old, so it may take me awhile to cull my words. <more winking> <maybe some twitching>