tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6624869368313438635.post4227474815601833575..comments2023-12-19T02:27:30.112-08:00Comments on Narrative Heiress: Owning IT--our choices with how we workAshley Andersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15960809269667040621noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6624869368313438635.post-41537185235326528932015-03-31T14:34:45.408-07:002015-03-31T14:34:45.408-07:00Thanks for the recommendation, Ash...I haven't...Thanks for the recommendation, Ash...I haven't heard of it but will mention it to him. Sometimes people react poorly because they don't understand or the arrangement is foreign to them (which is what I assume to be happening most of the time), and other time because it's what they wish they could do themselves. I tend not to think hard enough, or be sympathetic enough, to the latter. I'm glad you brought it to my attention. <br /><br />But at the end of the day, maybe owning the good things that have come with all of the different choices we make for ourselves means not just looking for and grasping the positive but also letting go of others' expectations of you, no matter who you are/what your role. And that's a hard thing to do. We can't control what others think, and it's hard to control how we feel about them. But we can try to control our reactions, and let calmness remind us that our own families, and our choices within them, is a happiness that trumps that.Emilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06645184965256288037noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6624869368313438635.post-16192441018326038302015-03-31T06:05:40.932-07:002015-03-31T06:05:40.932-07:00Emily, your comment has been thinking in all sorts...Emily, your comment has been thinking in all sorts of new directions. Something that I have found as I age is that if you plan on breaking from the herd, you better plan on the herd retaliating. Have you and/or D read The War of Art? I think there's some great thinking in there on this very subject. Often by rising to our own creativity (even found in how, for example, you and D have navigated care needs), people are defensive, hurt, and angry simply because that very difference can make them question what they have chosen. People draw lines to reign themselves back in and feel good and safe in their paradigm. Sometimes it's something else more truthful and more difficult to get past. Namely, that we measure others' experiences by our measure. <br /><br />Bottom line, I think opening up dialogue about working roles has spoken one thing to me: I need to listen even more to others. I need to not judge or assume or label. I thought I was already doing those things, but since family (and therefore time with family) is one of our most important values collectively, all of us are finding unique ways to meet those needs, and I want to hear more about them without my own story playing its song as I listen.Ashley Andersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15960809269667040621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6624869368313438635.post-32044676739381829932015-03-26T08:58:48.225-07:002015-03-26T08:58:48.225-07:00In our house, roles are flipped. I go to the offic...In our house, roles are flipped. I go to the office all day and travel for work; H goes to daycare for the time we can afford so D can work at home, and then D is a SAHD for the rest of the day (plus all days when I travel). D feels both guilt for working while we pay for daycare AND for parenting when he could be working. The guilt may even be intensified by societal (and explicitly expressed by others) ideas about how men are "supposed" to contribute to the household. I don't tend to send him things tailored to moms, but I certainly wish he would trade the guilt for owning the good. Emilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06645184965256288037noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6624869368313438635.post-8823742798442260702015-03-26T05:54:07.495-07:002015-03-26T05:54:07.495-07:00Wow. Thanks, Amelia! :)Wow. Thanks, Amelia! :)Ashley Andersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15960809269667040621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6624869368313438635.post-81169619841899382482015-03-26T05:52:25.530-07:002015-03-26T05:52:25.530-07:00Maybe we ALL can't be friends....but you and I...Maybe we ALL can't be friends....but you and I definitely can! :)Ashley Andersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15960809269667040621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6624869368313438635.post-56573859248966088502015-03-26T05:50:18.216-07:002015-03-26T05:50:18.216-07:00Suzette, I thought about your comment so much that...Suzette, I thought about your comment so much that I forgot to come back and reply.<br /><br />I want you to know I hear you. I do. It's annoying when people assume, when they are condescending, and when they undercut the truth. <br /><br />I've made sacrifices to stay at home, but it's nothing too notable except for maybe my trunk lid's hydraulics typically not working and me having to balance the door on my head while I squeeze in a mammoth double stroller. And in a car where we have the kids sitting so tightly together the car seats appear as if they are actually one big connected thing. :)<br /><br />This is to say that maybe I'm wrong in that comments from others really can hurt deeper when the commitment to stay home is much more filled with sacrifices and stress than anything else. Stupid comments from people, sweet as they might otherwise be, bounce off of me, but would that be the case if I had to worry a a great deal about making ends meet. I'm not saying that you do. What I am saying is that it's not really my job to tell you to suck it up and ignore those idiots who don't get it. Maybe it is more sensitive or hurtful or annoying in a ton of other situations. I feel nothing but support and understanding from family and friends, so maybe that helps? I don't know.<br /><br />When people make comments like "I could never do that" or "we could never afford that" and it comes off more like "wow, you don't realize the mistake you are making", I think we should listen more to what they are saying and what it has to do with them. You and I already know our families are really okay. Really. But we don't actually know what they are dealing with, which could be anything from feeling trapped by debt, marital strain, or wishful thinking. It's not out of bounds to genuinely ask, "is that something you would want....to stay at home if you could?" I don't think their comments need to do with you if you don't want them to. A lot of time silence does a great deal in letting someone sit in what they just said. Silence and a smile. ;) <br />Ashley Andersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15960809269667040621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6624869368313438635.post-2549483534426126672015-03-24T11:20:39.528-07:002015-03-24T11:20:39.528-07:00This may be one of the best things I've ever r...This may be one of the best things I've ever read on that whole SAHM vs. WOHM thing. Seriously! You are so right. Both sides have perks, both sides have luxeries. Both sides have hardships and both sides have sacrifice. <br /><br />We all make the choice that is right for our family and we totally need to OWN that choice! SO true!Amelia Bentruphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04289052534608175705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6624869368313438635.post-6217385309170552912015-03-24T06:26:52.297-07:002015-03-24T06:26:52.297-07:00Abbey, it really does work for me. I truly don...Abbey, it really does work for me. I truly don't even have the energy or general umpf to utter anything than this one phrase. It almost makes me laugh. But no. Because the messes I sometimes encounter with my boys... ;)Ashley Andersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15960809269667040621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6624869368313438635.post-70180483803573691942015-03-24T06:19:02.496-07:002015-03-24T06:19:02.496-07:00Katie, yes! "A personal and individual family...Katie, yes! "A personal and individual family decision." This is what it is. Sometimes virtuous. Sometimes merely circumstantial. Whatever the case, we should be respectful and receptive of others' choices and steer our thoughts to our own. <br /><br />And this: "I have used up lots of brain cells and time thinking what life would be like..." I get this too. I've done it in both places, in the workplace & at home. I don't do it less now because I'm at home and my choice is "better". I do it less now because I'm getting older and less insecure, more confident in the ability that my husband and I have to change course when we need to and to dig deep where we are. It is exhausting to think of the other side. Often, we misremember or misjudge. Truly, perks and pits for both sides. It's best we say hello to what's at our feet. Thanks for sharing! :)Ashley Andersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15960809269667040621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6624869368313438635.post-20335514146504924262015-03-19T19:06:37.459-07:002015-03-19T19:06:37.459-07:00"Jesus, I know you see this."
That'..."Jesus, I know you see this."<br /><br />That's my favorite part of the whole discussion. Thanks, Ashley.Abbey @ Surviving Our Blessingshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07294464284257098902noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6624869368313438635.post-46969399990265974822015-03-19T12:25:44.791-07:002015-03-19T12:25:44.791-07:00As I said on Twitter: I'm making judgements ab...As I said on Twitter: I'm making judgements about people making judgements. (cue song: Why Can't We Be Friends" by WAR) :DSuzettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17595294800560372520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6624869368313438635.post-23669715923389595772015-03-19T11:46:09.882-07:002015-03-19T11:46:09.882-07:00Ok, so, bear with me Ashley.
Here is where I get ...Ok, so, bear with me Ashley.<br /><br />Here is where I get all riled-up. When people driving a 2014 Denali, working two jobs, with two kids say, OH HOW NICE you GET to stay home. We just couldn't afford that. {chirping crickets} I just wonder what they are really thinking. We don't eat steak every night. In fact, we eat steak about once every three months. I am constantly trying to out smart the food budget, keep playdates at free spots, not leave the house anywhere near mealtimes because eating outside of the house takes away from grocery money. I wear my shirts until they have holes. I have one decent pair of jeans and two dresses. Like, we do without. In an assortment of ways. In very material ways. I understand we are all working, I just get very annoyed when people assume I stay home because our life doesn't need a second income. On the contrary, our life sometimes is very strained (for a second income) and my husband puts in extra hours and side hustles to help us out. I just want people to stop assuming that staying home is some sort of lazy decision. People never acknowledge the sacrifice, ok, like two people have acknowledged it. Does this make any sense? I guess maybe this is a whole different topic? Not sure.<br /><br />Maybe some women who stay home do it and it is because a second income is not necessary, where as we choose for me to be here with our children because we think it is more important than my income. And we slash a lot of "essentials" for this sacrifice.Suzettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17595294800560372520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6624869368313438635.post-48070430195581046822015-03-19T11:09:16.343-07:002015-03-19T11:09:16.343-07:00Loving this! I completely agree with you in that ...Loving this! I completely agree with you in that I can't tell anyone whether it is better to stay home or work. It is such a personal and individual family decision. I have used up lots of brain cells and time thinking what life would be like in the opposite scenario that I was or am in and I am a little tired of it. I am owning my life! Thanks for your post.Katie Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13346299617811169438noreply@blogger.com